I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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