My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
