feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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