I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I need moral support for this bender
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
