"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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