please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
