i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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