I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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