The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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