I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I cut my penus on the lid.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
