if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
two words...techno handjob
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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