oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
