yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize