Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
