I wish I could teleport
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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