i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
