Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Rumble strips road head = magical
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
