im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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