dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
