I can tuck mytits in my pants
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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