Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
