you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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