Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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