Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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