is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
