I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize