I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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