I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
