and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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