did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
