She is in my trunk
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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