my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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