By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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