I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
