there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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