Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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