lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
