She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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