I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
