textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
