I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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