Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
