I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just want nice things and good sex
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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