I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
