can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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