By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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