I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
