i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
