My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
false alarm. still invincible.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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