Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
