dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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