I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize