I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I didn't notice because vodka
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
