Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
