1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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