I cannot find my penis.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
